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"Maybe I'm in over my head?” “I don’t know if I’m the right person for you?” “I’m not sure we’re meant to have each other?” “I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew?” “I am not a good enough equestrian/horseman/trainer to work with you. . .” Doubts. Doubts are the only thing that went through my head with Jean-Luc yesterday. After a rather successful day on Saturday, our most recent training session, Monday, started like a flaming meteor crashing from the sky. Doubts. Doubts are the only thing that went through my head with Jean-Luc yesterday. After a rather successful day on Saturday, our most recent training session, Monday, started like a flaming meteor crashing from the sky. Let’s start with Saturday, though. I had found some new confidence thanks to my recent romp in the field earlier that week with Liz. Saturday, after a short warm-up that involved some cantering, we made it across the creek into the big field without a meltdown and training overall had been only rolling along. Unlike my time with Liz though, Jean-Luc never managed to relax in the big field on Saturday. I know he gets bored easily, so while in the field I moved all over the place, trying to never just go in circles. We had a good time, but when I went to make for home, he was ready to bolt. I could not let him do this, so I would take a few steps and make him circle. Then we would take a few more steps and circle again. After approximately 100 yards and taking the longest way home possible, I began to get frustrated. Coming out of the circle he wasn’t even slowing down, rather speeding up. I was making things worse, somehow. Though I remained in enough control to basically get what I was asking for, I could tell I was fighting a losing battle. We zigged. We zagged. I did all I could to make our walk back to the barn as slow as possible – it was miserable. I could not end on that note, so I worked in more circles behind the barn that day. He responded quite well in that space, I can only assume because he was near the other horses. Eventually, I felt we’d done enough that ending our time together didn’t appear like I was allowing him to have the upper hand. On Monday, my plan was to repeat our work in the exact same spaces - start in the outdoor round pen, warm up, and make it to the field where we could go over a few poles and things. Per usual, I snapped on my helmet and together, we walked calmly into the round pen. After getting into the center of the ring, I went to send Jean-Luc and begin our warm up, like always, at a walk around the pen. This is when everything shattered to pieces. Jean-Luc, uncharacteristically, exploded into a canter/gallop around the round pen. My perception was that he was angry to even be in the pen and wanted out. He ran like mad, eventually even tossing in a buck as well. He has done this one other time and trust me I kept him running. I couldn’t let him stop. Despite the fact that I was nervous, letting him stop would mean I lost. So we just kept running, even though the footing conditions were not ideal. As soon as I felt like I could slow/stop Jean-Luc with the cue being seen as my idea and not his, I did so. The rest of this time in the warm-up area went pretty smoothly, however, it was admittedly difficult to get my wits back. You’ll see in the video, he was pretty chill by the time we ended. This was about five min. after he calmed down. Notice how far up under himself he is bringing his back inside leg. His back outside leg is a little stiffer. However, it's quite the improvement and one I did not notice until this post. Later, his head lowered more, but I am awful at filming and focusing to work JL at the same time. Hopefully more videos to come, though. They are very beneficial in evaluating progress, for sure. After debating the pros and cons, I told myself I would stick to the plan and try to get into the big field.
“I can fake enough confidence to get my bum in this saddle, and I’ll be all the more proud of myself for it,” I told myself. So I did just that ... or, well some of that. I walked back to the barn to get Jean-Luc’s bridle and put up the lunge equipment. He stood just fine while I mounted. He acted like a proper gentleman. Sitting in the barn nestled between my fuzzy saddle and winter riding pants I swallowed all the fear I could find. Mentally, I did my best to visualize that fear in the pit of stomach and breath it out through my nose. We were off and heading for the big field. Unlike previous days, Jean-Luc tried to turn around multiple times before we even got close to the small creek we need to cross to get into the field. I knew I mentally screwed up when I saw the creek. “That’s one high creek,” I thought. "Jean-Luc's going to hate that." No sooner had I had that thought did Jean-Luc bulk at the idea of going down the hill into the water. Try as I might, he was not going down the hill across the creek. I lost. But, I wasn’t okay with completely failing, so I chose a different path down along the creek beside some trees. He was very excited, but he went. Upon turning back up the road toward the barn he became even more excited. I picked any number of paths to go that were not directly back to the barn. I made him walk forward a few steps and stop, over and over. We walked through a small grassy area off to the side of a road cone. We stopped and started over and over. When we decided to head back to the barn it was absolutely my choice. I could not end the lesson with this though, so I went to the backfield again. He settled and we completed some circle/speed work. When I felt like I was in control I dismounted, practiced some ground tie work, remounted and guided him back to the barn. Honestly, when I left I did not feel all that great. The phrases from earlier were the only things running through my head the entire way home. “Am I a good enough person for this horse?”, “Should someone else have this horse?”, “What am I thinking, thinking I know what I’m doing here?” Needless to say, they were pretty negative. Today, I have had time to process. I am not typically a glass half empty person. I will not let this be any sort of exception. While I may need help, the things that happened happen to everyone. Doubts come and go just like the tide. Multiple times per day the ocean will have highs and lows. Not to make excuses, but some facts are: Jean-Luc actually never has relaxed much working away from the herd. To have him do anything, and not be beside them is actually, frustratingly slow, progress - but progress all the same. Also, Jean-Luc is not a fan of the cold. I have learned he has a crap attitude when the temperature is cold. I was recently also able to discern that his crap attitude is a weird manifestation of what I can only describe as “Food Worry” – when the grass is gone and only hay/grain are available this horse is terrified he won’t have enough to eat. There’s plenty for all, but I am not sure what else can be done to reassure him that when I take him out of the field, away from his hay bales, the other horses won’t eat it all while he’s gone? Another observation I’ve made over the year is unlike other horses I have ridden, I don’t know that Jean-Luc associates time with me as “fun.” In fact, I definitely think he sees time with me as “work.” Perhaps this is a misfortune of my own doing? Perhaps Jean-Luc’s perception can only be my perception? While I often have a feeling of accomplishment that leads to fun, in general, I don’t cut loose very often (both with Jean-Luc and in life). I tend to take things pretty seriously most of the time. Regardless, only on rare occasions have I felt like we’re enjoying one another’s presence – sad, maybe? Nevertheless, true. Unlike other horses I have experienced I find that my work with Jean-Luc requires a hyper-focus. I really have not had a ride with Jean-Luc where I could just “be” or relax. With Jean-Luc, I'm "always on." I have found he will test me every time we are together. He is always trying to see if I will ever relent and allow him to be the leader – my firm answer is, “No.” Am I to assume this is the definition of a “Headstrong horse?” Or did I hit something more profound? We need more “fun” in our times together. What does that even mean? How do I balance discipline and fun with this horse? I visited the critter today and did nothing other than hanging out for about 30 minutes. He was still pretty excited and concerned about the others eating all the hay while he was gone, however, my hope was that not asking anything of him today could put us back on track? I mean I do this once or twice a week anyway, but it felt like today might actually be a good day to just not ask anything. I don’t know? Clearly, I am questioning a lot today. For whatever reason, my confidence feels shaken? I believe in putting my head down and being persistent. I believe just spending more and more time together will remedy some of this. I have faith in the fact that I am not the only person to ever go through “horse doubts”. I look forward to the weeks to come.
4 Comments
Liz
2/7/2018 06:57:22 am
If you're more confident on the ground, tack him up for riding, then take him to the back field and lunge him. He will have to work back there and get used to it but in a manner than gives you more confidence. Do this for two weeks or so and when you ride him over there again, I bet you'll see a difference.
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lytha
2/11/2018 09:40:30 am
I really appreciate your honesty in your blog, it's hard to admit things like this. I wish I could help but I think you're doing the right things already. What you are asking is one of the hardest things we could ask a horse - to work at home. If I understand correctly, you're asking him to work on the property, and most horses are fussy about this. And most horses are herd bound and barn sour. My heart horse, at the end of his life, was like this and I couldn't safely ride him in our pasture, cuz he'd take off. I'm jealous you live in a part of the world where you could actually lunge a horse outside of an arena. It's way too muddy here, or frozen. If I'm lucky, I have a couple months per year where it isn't.
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Chelsey
2/15/2018 07:07:20 pm
Wow! Thank you so much for taking time to write this. It really is hard to be this honest. When the world goes right, it is easy. However, it is can be hard to share when things just aren’t working.
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Chelsey
2/19/2018 08:57:01 pm
Omg! I don’t know how I missed those photos haha they’re cracking me up! We have twinsies!
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AuthorMy name is Chelsey. HorseGenerator's Cuevo Gold, or as he's known around this barn, "Jean-Luc Ponycard", was foaled in 2004 from Generator's Hurricane & Cheyenne's Little Bit. Top 10 Blog Favs.Archives
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