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Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a loop? Like you are trying new things, but the same old issues occur again and again. No? Liar. I firmly believe that we all have something that keeps sucking us back in again, and again, and again. I also firmly believe that, though feel like it is something we can't help getting sucked back into, we just aren't making the right choices to lead us out. "Everything is impossible - until it isn't." Jean-Luc Picard For me, my loop is a knee injury. I had surgery in 2014 on my left knee after walking over an unmarked electric chord while working the Green Room for The Commodores at a New Year's Even Celebration at Snowshoe Mountain - truly a great story to be saved for telling in full another time. The event took me out of life for nearly an entire season. Literally, I don't remember all of Fall 2014. Since then, I have gone through therapy, and thought I was on the road to a better, unbreakable knee. I tried eating healthier, signed on to several lifestyle changes, and even work in knee strengthening activities my every day life - but I could always do more. One thing I will never forget is first time back in the saddle after surgery. I remember how desperately I wanted to ride again, and how other activities were already on the short list of things I probably shouldn't do - skiing, running, anything that puts uneven pressure on my patella. I remember the terror that came with doing those activities. But, I desperately wanted to ride. I wanted to be in the saddle, because, as I keep remembering, horseback riding is MY happy place. Last Saturday, while I was supposed to be on one amazingly beautiful Spring trail ride, I did it again. Walking over uneven gravel I felt my knee dislocate from it's very specific location. My leg went out from under me as my body crumpled to the ground like it had before. Bone on bone grinding pain shot through my body, but all I could thing was, "Not again." I landed in a shocked teary heap. Since 2014 all was well. My patella was tracking the way it should minus a few times I'd see it hop in the past six months. It didn't matter. My knee was done. Thing is, Jean-Luc and I have really connected over the past few weeks. As we come to our year together, we managed to make our goal of getting into the Big Field 8 times unassisted by his birthday. We are really making progress with our stretches from Larry Whitesell. And I believe we are just starting to, “click.” I get when his scared; I know what is going to annoy him; I know what he likes as a reward or treat. I have learned the difference between something seems too hard for him and when he just isn’t understanding me – a bond is truly emerging. That is why this literal blow to the knee hurts so much. When I say, “I remember what it was like getting back in the saddle after knee surgery,” I mean I remember the fear I had to overcome and the confidence I had to build in myself. If I am being totally honest with myself, I even afraid to go there in my brain. Letting myself think about how bad this could be and the road I may have to work through AGAIN is enough to break my brain. I don’t cry often, but the other morning while talking things through with my mom over coffee, it was enough to bring me to that point where you choke on your own words. “I feel trapped,” I told my mom. “I truly feel like I’m stuck in a loop. I get better, then something like this happens and I’m literally years behind again.” What does a person say to that when they know the crappy words a person just uttered are true – silence. The pity party can go on forever. The fact of the matter is even though I tore all the muscles that were rebuilt several years ago, I can rebuild them. Like Nabila said to King Ezekiel in the Walking Dead, “Here’s the beautiful thing... You can tear it out and cut it down. You can burn it and throw it all away. But, if you want, it can all grow back.” I want. It will all grow back. Ironically, when I went to hang with Jean-Luc yesterday, he had pulled a shoe halfway off his front right foot. “We were made for each other,” I told him. I laughed to myself because despite the issues going on with my knee, I was actually going to try to toss a saddle on and ride yesterday – I was wrong.
Setting expectations for the week to come may not be the route to go? Instead, perhaps no expectations, in this case, will lead to a happier mental state. Fingers crossed the swelling subsides and I recover without the need for surgery. In the meantime, it’s back to getting 1% better every day.
(I also hope to poster our canter work videos soon. I have several and we’d been gaiting and catering just about every day for two weeks straight.)
6 Comments
Chelsey
5/4/2018 07:56:45 am
Thank you. That means a lot. I can say Jean-Luc makes a great thousand pound cane. Lol
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Liz Stout
5/4/2018 08:05:11 am
Love to you, friend! The biggest difference between now and 2014 (other than knowledge and maturity) is that you have JL to help you through. 💕
Reply
Chelsey
5/4/2018 12:25:20 pm
True that???
Reply
lytha
5/14/2018 09:21:16 am
You poor thing, I'm so sorry.
Reply
Chelsey
5/14/2018 01:47:58 pm
Thanks, Girl. Doing the best we can.
Reply
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AuthorMy name is Chelsey. HorseGenerator's Cuevo Gold, or as he's known around this barn, "Jean-Luc Ponycard", was foaled in 2004 from Generator's Hurricane & Cheyenne's Little Bit. Top 10 Blog Favs.Archives
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